Raising children is an extremely stressful job. With increasingly high expectations being placed on parents by society, more and more mothers are experiencing what is known as mother's guilt, or 'mom guilt,'- the unjustified feeling that moms are not living up to the standards they set for themselves to the detriment of their children.
Previously considered the sole domain of the full-time working parent, mother guilt seems to be an increasingly common trend across the parenting spectrum in spite of evidence to show that modern day parents are spending more time with their children than ever before. These emotions can become overwhelming and paralyzing, resulting in feelings of low self worth and inadequacy as a parent, which can in turn affect the relationship between parent and child.
The Positive Side of Guilt
Before you develop a complex about feeling guilty, there is actually a positive side to guilt. According to developmental psychologist Nancy Darling, Phd, guilty feelings are a sign of good parenting because they show you care and want to be the best parent you can be. So feeling like a bad mother can be beneficial if it encourages you to evaluate your parenting and strive for the best for your children. Not all guilt is unjustified - if you feel you are seriously coming up short in a particular area of your parenting, then guilt can motivate and encourage you to make positive changes which will benefit everyone.
Bad Mother's Guilt
Problems can arise when parents blame themselves unnecessarily for their perceived shortcomings to the point where they feel incapacitated and unable to cope. This can lead to feelings of low self esteem and self doubt which in turn affect parents' relationships with their children and each other. It can be difficult to make clear unbiased parenting decisions when you are mired in feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and it can be tempting to compensate for these feelings by rushing around trying to be perfect. This can lead to parental fatigue and burnout.
Coping with Guilt
If you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, the first step is to sort out the rational from the irrational guilt. Have you really done something wrong or are you maybe taking too much on yourself? With mother guilt, it is more often a general sense that we 'should' be doing more for our children rather than any one particular aspect of parenting that is the root cause of the negative feelings.
Talking things through with a supportive friend or partner can help, as can taking some time out for yourself. Taking the focus off children for a while and finding something else to think about can often help parents to gain valuable perspective on the situation or problems that might be causing the guilt.
Anna Milward - Anna is a freelance writer and mum of two living in Sydney, Australia
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